Differentiation of self is the ability to live fully in both the individuality force and the togetherness force. A reason we want to do this is because we contribute most effectively in groups when we are able to bring our unique perspectives and skills to the table. However, clearly defining self does not mean demanding our way and refusing to listen deeply to others who see things differently. In fact, emotionally mature people listen deeply and are impacted by the differing views of others. Learning to define self while staying connected is hugely challenging and highly important part of the work of being conformed to the image of Christ.
Staying connected in the face of differing opinions requires strong listening and relational skills. However, we often give up connection in order to minimize or avoid conflict. We are wholly driven by the togetherness force.
So how does a well-differentiated person effectively stay connected?
The keys to remaining well-differentiated while staying connected can be found in the reasons that motivate your behavior. Are you doing what you do to give expression to your values? Or are you doing what you do to simply manage the anxiety in the relationship?
A Simple Situation: As a man is watching his favorite team, his wife asks him to go to the store to pick up some butter for dinner. He goes to the store, but depending on the source of his decision, he will experience “going to the store” in very different ways.
Scenario 1: The man really wants to watch his team, but doesn’t want her to nag him about not having butter at dinner so he begrudgingly goes to the store. His internal experience will be filled with anxiety. He may express this anxiety later in any of the four ways that anxiety is commonly expressed – conflict, distancing, over functioning/underfunctioning or projections.
Scenario 2: The man really wants to watch the game, but he wants to honor and cherish his wife to the best of his ability, so, as a conscious choice that expresses his guiding principles, he goes to the store to get the butter. Because he has chosen this his inner life will be more fulfilled and peaceful.
Scenario 3: The man really wants to watch the game and he wants to serve his wife. He chooses to go to the store. After the visit to the store and the game, he requests a time for a conversation for later. In that conversation, he can state his desire to have uninterrupted “team time” at least once each week. He might describe how he will say no if she asks him to do routine tasks during this time he has chosen to set aside.
Obviously these are only three of a variety of possible responses. In living a life where self is defined and remains deeply connected, the primary distinction is this:
Am I choosing my actions based on clear guiding principles? Or am I reacting to the anxiety in my relationships and doing whatever it takes to make the anxiety go away?
So, if the outcome is the same, then why does it matter? Our motivation matters because in the fused response there is an integrity gap. We are not living authentically. We are not living transformed. We are called to put on a new self and to live renewed in the image of God (Col. 3:10).
