In April of this year, we added a new session to our FW 202 course: Boundaries. Read a short article written by Ken Shuman below related to the importance of creating healthy boundaries as a key element to growing in self-differentiation.
Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is a key to success in relationships and in life. It is also a key to living missionally. Unfortunately most of us have had no training in boundaries and therefore have no clue what boundaries look like for an individual. We understand property boundaries, but often we don’t understand personal boundaries. As a result, we end up with a long list of relationships that are less than we hope for, and we end up with less success in life than we imagined.
Clear self-boundaries are one of the two keys for defining self and for growing in one’s emotional maturity. The other key is to establish clear, well-thought out guiding principles. Boundaries define us – what is me and what is not me. Boundaries enable us to “own” our own lives. Boundaries are always about you.
I am safe – I’m not leaving and I won’t withdraw. Emotional withdrawal is a form of manipulation and dishonesty.
I am separate – I’m me – I’m free to be an individual. I make my own choices. If other people have the power to get you to react, they are inside of your walls – they are inside of your boundaries.
Boundaries help us to take responsibility for our own lives. Take responsibility for your own choices and for your own feelings. Take responsibility for your own ideas and decisions. Take responsibility for defining yourself. This is who I am. This is where I stand. This is what I will do and what I will not do. Give up taking responsibility for another person.
I’m responsible only for myself, but I am responsible “to” others to love them.
In the simplest sense a boundary is a property line. Boundaries are about what is mine and therefore my responsibility and what is not mine and is not my responsibility.
Boundaries involve the ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart.
Boundaries include the ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss of love. Unfortunately as I practice boundaries in my life, others may still reject me or judge me.
Boundaries include the ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally. Are you able to be told no without pressing to get your way?
No is the one-word boundary
Boundaries are about ownership. I know who owns things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Don’t take on the anxiety of another person. Refuse to stay reactive. Don’t absorb the blame for another person’s problems or choices. Boundaries mean having a clear understanding of where “I” end and someone else begins. I have respect for the rights of others to be the way they are, yet I refuse to allow others to violate or intrude upon my own rights.
“Boundaries are about what’s ok and what’s not ok.” – Brene’ Brown
