Hayward Sparks is a businessman who describes himself as a “seasoned veteran of the business world,” a fighter, and a recovering perfectionist. This is our conversation about how he came to also describe himself as a “raving Faithwalking fan.”
Q: When you were young, you experienced an embarrassing encounter that had a lasting impact. Briefly share that incident, and how it shaped one of your vows.
HS: One day, a group of troublemaking kids came over on bicycles and wanted me to go riding with them. My mother pushed me to go, saying, “Don’t be a sissy.” But my friends heard it as, Hayward’s mother just called him a sissy. That was the key incident that made me vow to never again be called sissy or weak. I would put myself in position to avoid looking bad in everything I did, in all my interactions with people or in key events—anything to avoid looking weak.
Q: So you wanted to prove that you were not a sissy by developing a tough exterior. How did you show up in life?
A: It would look different ways at different times. Sometimes I would show up as a bully. I never wanted to come off looking weak, so I might intimidate others or beat them up or gang up on them, anything to position me to look strong against their weakness. In sports I would use intimidation. In academics I would always look to see whom I could beat.
But sometimes I would show up as a hero. One time I broke up a robbery at a McDonald’s. I stepped in and made peace with the guys who were threatening the cashier. I’ve responded to emergencies. I defended my sister when she was being bullied. Showing up as a hero is the other side of the vow of not wanting to look weak.
In my family I always had to be the best. They saw me striving really hard. We prized success and recognition, but we didn’t prize humility. And that activated another vow: that I am not good enough. It made me strive even harder.
Q: It has always been hard for you to apologize and hard to admit fault. You didn’t tolerate weakness in others and so you were not willing to show weakness in yourself. But this became stumbling block. Describe one or two relationships that were most impacted by this approach to others.
A: I didn’t often say I was sorry to my kids when they were younger. I tended to be stubborn and proud. As a result they could come to me with a problem, but the outcome would be unpredictable. Rather than listen, I would react out of the threat of being exposed for not doing something well.
Also, in situations like with my Faithwalking coach, I would push back or become hard on myself because I had something to improve, not accepting that everybody has something to work on. Everything had to be perfect in order for me to not see myself as being weak. On the exterior I look like I am taking the correction OK, but inside I’m really flogging myself for my weakness. With my superiors I maintain the appearance of receiving correction but on the inside I’m resisting, occasionally thinking, Who are they to say something to me?
Q: Describe one or two of the breakthroughs you have had through Faithwalking.
A: I am far more accepting of others’ opinions. I am a better listener. I am also far more inquisitive about others. I am able to listen to others and be moved by their pain. In the past I would have been repulsed by their pain, I would have run from their pain, but today I am more able to listen to others without judgment or condemnation. That’s really different.
And people say I have more peace. I think about how Jesus loved others, and I think, How can I love like that?
Q: What is God teaching you about weakness? What does 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 mean to you?
A: 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “ But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
First of all, meekness is not weakness. Paul, when he talks about weakness, he’s saying, “I can’t do it, Jesus, I need you here!” He’s making room for the power of Christ to work in him.
That’s what my weaknesses are like: I’m going to put them out there because I know that’s how Christ can work in me. Authenticity about personal weakness is a magnet that draws people to you. They want to open up to you. That’s how I want to show up so God can use me. I desire to be that kind of man of “weakness.” I am not there yet, but I am different.
When people disagree with me, I’m much more open to different perspectives; I tend to welcome more dialogue. I’ll say, “Tell me more.” Recently I was talking to my boss and asking him what he wanted me to do about a certain situation. I put myself out there and asked his opinion, knowing he might disagree with me. That’s something I never would have done before, and it comes from learning to be differentiated and managing my own anxiety.
Q: Have you ever resolved your childhood pain with your mother?
A: My mother has advanced Alzheimer’s. As a result, I wasn’t able to discuss it with her before her illness became severe. Currently I am her primary caretaker. If I had resentment it would show up, but it’s gone. I am totally free. I have no resentment. My mom laid some blows on me, but the Lord has freed me to just love her and take care of her.
Q: Final thoughts?
A: There is nothing more awesome than being on a journey towards a transformed life. If you want to keep your walk with the Lord fresh, then go on the Faithwalking journey. You will always have something new and fresh to say about what the Lord is doing in your life. If you play full out, transformation never grows old.
