Early on in their marriage Suzanne Alft and her husband Kevin made a resolve: to walk deeper in their faith and to meet other couples wanting to do the same. When they signed up for their first Faithwalking 101 retreat to challenge them in that direction, Suzanne knew the path to transformation might be difficult due to some events from her past.
For Suzanne, Faithwalking opened some locked secrets. At her 101 retreat she was able to identify and label her secret self, a self that was crippled by shame from childhood trauma. When Suzanne was only 14 years old, she became pregnant. Her parents didn’t show concern for her—they just determined to take care of the pregnancy, and to keep it a family secret. They took her to the family doctor for an abortion, where they learned she was too far along. She was then dragged to an adoption agency, and in the end, gave up her child. Throughout this ordeal, her parents did not console Suzanne. Keeping the pregnancy a family secret was the priority.
The Impact of Secret Shame
In fact, Suzanne, has no memory whatsoever of a time when her parents comforted her, through emotional pain or physical injury. Repeated childhood incidents of hurt or trauma followed by parental silence, or sometimes rebuke, led Suzanne to a natural conclusion: I can never trust anyone. I can never count on anyone. I am on my own.
The unintended pregnancy and the accompanying silence had cemented shame in Suzanne. The voice in her head said, “Nobody could possibly love you if they knew this about you. You have to earn respect, you have to earn love, and don’t trust anybody because the people that you love will be the ones who abandon you first.” Her parents’ silence to her pain indeed felt like abandonment. Then, family tragedy hit. Her sister succumbed at the youthful age of 19 to meningitis. Her parents divorced, and then her first husband passed away from cancer. All around her, Suzanne experienced abandonment in various, agonizing forms.
Faithwalking has helped Suzanne open up about her past and discover a divine purpose in all her trials. “First, Faithwalking has allowed me to face my fears of abandonment and confront my sin of self-reliance,” Suzanne says. “What Faithwalking also gave me was an opportunity to reframe situations and ask God, ‘What would you say about me?’ I fear asking that question because I know God is right and I am wrong. I have to let go of the shame because God forgave me a long time ago. He is the one who saved me during my pregnancy when I was tempted to take my life, and now He has given me great purpose.”
Guiding Principles Gave Suzanne the Courage To Be Who God Wants Her To Be
It was in a prayer time at her 101 retreat that Suzanne got clarity on part of her purpose: to promote physical healing while allowing God to do His work in spiritual healing. Suzanne is owner of Transformation Enzymes Corporation, a nutraceutical company that works with holistic practitioners to promote good health. Recently Suzanne sat down and wrote out her company’s “points of culture” for their website. These reflect Suzanne’s personal guiding principles. “When I worked on the points of culture for my company website, I cried through the whole process because I was putting what I believe to be true out there for the whole world to see.”
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It is the guiding principles she has developed through Faithwalking that have given Suzanne the courage to be who she thinks God wants her to be. “All my life, I showed up the way I thought other people wanted me to show up. Now I practice saying what’s so for me, and I do so in love. It’s been a hard journey, and I am so grateful for my Faithwalking community. It is wonderful to know that I have a ‘family’ that is loving and encouraging and non-judgmental.”
For Suzanne, Faithwalking has been about learning to walk in God’s light—with no shame. And learning to trust in God—relying on Him, not on self. “Faithwalking is the best therapy I’ve ever had,” Suzanne says with a laugh. She adds, with conviction, “If you’re willing to go through the process, your guiding principles will allow you to make decisions you didn’t know you could make. Faithwalking is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and one of the best things I’ve ever done.”
