Written by Brenda Graff

I write this with a very heavy heart today after the loss of yet another loved connection due to Covid. I was going to put it off until a better day…but not sure that will happen anytime soon. I would like to say first that I am very thankful for the Keep Calm and Faithwalk On group. It is so easy to think that you are the only one experiencing anxiety and a whole sea of emotions, like Roman candles flying off in different directions, as life is constantly becoming more uncertain. I, like many others, have been forced to either work from home or stay home, period – except for a grocery store run or a few outings – ever since this Covid thing started. It is very isolating and a great challenge for me. I come from a background of public speaking, ministering, and interviewing, whether in the prisons, domestic shelters, schools, or in news reporting. Being hands-on, hugging, holding someone’s hand to comfort or be comforted has been the glue at times that has kept me connected.

This year has been excruciating. The losses are too many to tell. I have felt like my entire life has been ripped out from under me like a rug on fire…like nearly every connection and plan has gone in a puff of smoke. Everything I was linked to that mattered to me, whether family, a pastor, a worship team, church, visiting the elderly, the experience of holding a new grandbaby, are gone…incinerated. I had to give up a salaried position and connecting with others in person at an office, and now our agency is shutting down.

The sudden deaths of people extremely close to me due to Covid has brought much anxiety and constant thoughts of mortality. It is disturbing. I do not really have anyone I can call or reach out to with all of this, and it has been extremely painful. Shutting down has been hard. I find myself wanting to detach from others.

If it were not for the Keep Calm group, I would not have the tools I need to work through some of this. The people I meet through this group have been insightful, and it helps to know I am not the only one. It can be so frightening to have feelings that you have never experienced like this, like popcorn kernels  frantically exploding one after the other without warning. But through Keep Calm, I get the opportunity to hear others and what they are struggling with, and this helps me to understand better the grief we are all experiencing.

I have learned to take steps to do the things that bring me joy, whether it is singing, cooking, or watching ridiculous comedy or parodies. Even though I still fight the battle of shame and anxiety, at least now I can recognize my triggers. This helps keep me better grounded. I have learned some incredible tools through these sessions that enable me to minister to others even over the phone when someone reaches out and is hurting.

I am thankful for the Faithwalking Keep Calm group on days like this…it helps redirect my thoughts and keeps me walking by faith.

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